Friday, November 20, 2009

Happy New Moon day!!!

YIPEEEEEE!!! We have waited with bated breath and combustable panties for this moment! I am heading out to the 7:30 showing of New Moon with my TwiBFF ( who flew in from Baltimore for the weekend just so we can see the movie together) Remind me to post pics of what I did to her room, its a Rpatzapoloosa, and Im pretty sure I heard some rumbling from the mattress last night.
Oh and did I mention we will be drinking beers and eating pizza while we watch it? I'll order an extra pitcher in thoughts of all of you who are stuck listening to screaming twaty 15 year olds and eating sour patch kids. I hope everyone has a fucking fantastic night, GO commando, you underwear will just get soaked anyway.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I'm back bitches, but not for long.

Well, well, well....I see we have all been busy. Latchkeywife is engaged to Rpatz, Twitarded is forever giving us shit to laugh about and spew beverages onto our computer screens,Mrs. Vanquish has some of the finest guest bloggers, Twisessed is reading the holy grail of manuscripts and Tasha is taking a break (yeah right!) I had to show you all love because although I'm not here, I'm never too far away....I have on the other hand been less busy with our panty combustable boyfriend Rpatz... no time for fanfic, no Darkward, no Domward. Just crazy ass life. I have less time to read and look at all the shit that would usually having me humping the screen and more time studying to become a nurse. I am in school again and trying to raise little nuggets to be productive souls.

The best I can do these days to get hot vamp fang banging is from True Blood. And I'll tell ya that Eric is doing me just fine while I'm one a Twilight hiatus, there have been many a night...... * wipes the sweat from her brow* and if Godric hadn't been killed off so soon, I would have added him to the double decker meat sandwich.
No Golden onion here

My first class is Biology...The closest to a Twilight parallel is a dude with sweet dreads and looks like a bloated Laurent, and a lab partner that thinks Twilight"sucks balls". No one wants to eat my face cause I am their own brand of heroin. There is one girl who has a Zac Efron back pack though so at least there is something to laugh at. I can imagine that shit was somewhat cool in high school but, not in college you dumb vagina...enough said.

So, I wanted to stop back in and tell you all I'm with trying to find my way back to the smut, the love, the jaw porn...but I can't. Just too dang busy. So....keep all the good shit comin, I'm watchin and you are keeping me sane, believe me all women need a little Rpatz and Twilight hi jinks in their day. Oh, and I have seen the New Moon trailer.... holy hell! I'm not even trying to extinguish the fire in my pants after that preview. Its useless at this point. I'm done..there is no hope.. call the fuckin' fire department.

Friday, July 24, 2009

New Moon debauchery

Here come the police, pervert!
I refuse to watch the clips everyone is peddling around the Internet. I won't do it. I know what is going on out there. Vaginas all over the world are exploding, spontaneously combusting. Total anarchy, due to R Sexy shirtless in Italy and Taylor and his 8 abs. I can't take that kind of a jolt in the middle of the afternoon. I watched about 20 seconds of the Italy scene, and Kstew was all twitchy and shit. I missed RSexy without his shirt on, I know I KNOW!!!! I'll wait for the big screen, HD and a beer ( or pitcher, cause we can drink in the movie theatres in Texas) AND, there aren't 1000 douchie prepubescent 13 year-olds screaming like hyenas. Most of those little trolls will be in bed by the time I make it to the movie, and they can't drink beer.... so fuck them. I watched about 3 seconds of the other clip and Taylor took his dang shirt off. I thought my eyes would start to bleed because God had struck me down for looking at little boys. Awesome, now I am a pedophile. I'm worried if I even go to this movie I am going to have to register at the nearest Post Office as a sex offender.
All you out there with your wet panties I hope it was worth it! I'm stayin' dry until November...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Blade vs Edward

He's behind me isn't he??

Sorry, but this shit is pretty funny.

I love me some Blade, he is a bad ass. Before Edward, he was probably one of my fav vamps out there, not for his looks or anything just for the sheer kick assery he could dish out.

Ok that's it, be back soon with some Fanfic review if I'm not baking cakes and making pasta sauce, cause that's what I do bitches.....make cakes and pasta sauce.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Fanfic virgin, sort of

I'm so lost....

Everywhere I turn I see fanfic this fanfic that...and I have dabbled a little. You could say I have played just the tip with fanfic. But, answer me this...what the hell is a lemon, lemony or lemonade fanfic, is it sour, like I'm going to close my eyes and spit? I need a some sort of guide on all the lingo. I need a for all the fan fic experts out there, what should be the first story I read? Don't get all face melty on my like K in the flow, I have to ease into it and I can't abandon my children for the day, sweating in the closet with my computer and pleasuring device. So, lets start it out PG 13 ish and move it on up the ladder.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Taken Hostage

Every Thursday or Friday I receive Us weekly, and everyone has been panting in anticipation for this weeks issue. But, for some reason, I had totally forgotten all about the Wet Rob (thanks LKW) pics. My husband made it to the mailbox before I did. I walk casually into the living room and he looks at me and laughs. I see him reading the US magazine ( which is not uncommon, he loves it ). All of the sudden he rips the middle part of the magazine out and runs...literally runs like a bat out of hell.
He is laughing so hard he sounds like that that dog Mutley, if you are over 30 you know who this little shit stirring mongrel is...if not , you can Google it.

In my head I'm thinking , no biggie if you want to read it first...and then it hits me. He has my "6 page exclusive" of RSexy...SHIT! So, I chase him around the house, I think we went round and round for about 2 minutes. Knowing there is no way to get away from me in the house, he bolts out the front door, opens his car, throws the pics in there, and locks it.

He says " Ha HA! You don't look that affected by me having the pics" And I laugh and say "you're right, no biggie"...and I smirk and walked away....Knowing for sure he will be looking for some ass later on. My vagina is on lock down until I get my damn pictures back. Wanna take bets on who wins.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

A Declaration of Independence

We are at the pool yesterday and we run into some neighbors, they begin to tell me how they had a BBQ recently ( we did not attend but were invited) and our other neighbor busted out my blog. UH OH.... here is the problem. The hubbo and I are on a don't ask , don't tell policy about said blog. I once read him a portion of the blog and I ended it "eat a dick" and his brain almost fell out.

He said" Mama, you can't say eat a dick on your blog, there are people who hang out with our kids reading it".

My response was " you need to respect my creative outlet which is blogging..I would respect you if you wanted to dress up as a viking and gnaw on a turkey leg while you played your Age of Empires game."
So ,we came to what you call an impasse..and the blog had not been read ever since.
WELL... the neighbors sparked a fire under his ass, and he decides to read the blog. I am sweating bullets sitting next to him as he riffles through my past posts. Its not like he doesn't know who he married, he loves my sassy, raunchy what am I sweatin' for?

"Vagina, vagina, vagina that is all you talk about"

Well, yeah I know about mine pretty well, and I'm sure most of my blogging demographic has one and has abused it vigorously while thinking of Robert Pattinson. So, yeah why not talk about the obvious.

The outcome has been great, I am sitting next to him as I write and he says .. " write cock a bunch of times" So, I guess we are no longer at the impasse and I have a new fan. Happy 4th of July everyone...there has been a Declaration of Independence in this house tonight!

Monday, June 29, 2009


I can handle a lot, a light saber to the head when my 4 year old is pissed, no problem. A full on meltdown in the supermarket from not one but both kids, bring it, I'll eat that shit for dinner....but what I can't deal well with are blasphemous comments made about our favorite vamp. Things like Robert Pattinson is a "pussy diet coke drinking vampire" That came from Stephan Moyer aka Bill ( sexy vamp)Compton on True Blood. Watch it Bill, Ill stake your ass.

So, last week I had drinks with some friends and handed over my DVD of Twilight. Now, T-Rex had just finished the 1st book, and had never seen RSexy...EVER. Just reading Twilight and not having a clue who Robert Pattinson is....the combo is unimaginable, almost unheard of .....I mean I think would have better luck running into Gargamel and Smurfette than knowing a real life RSexy/Twi-virgin.

I am like a kid in the candy store, I honestly can't wait to see her drop trow as soon as she sees his face. So here is the pic I show her, and here is her reaction.....

"Oh, he isn't that cute at ALL, they are right on time with Bella, but he doesn't do anything for me, sorry!"

I contemplated getting jumper cables out of the car because maybe her vagina needed a jump start or something. She wasn't making any sense. Her vagina MUST be asleep, right? Man, was I about anti climatic, that was equivalent of watching porn and your vibrator runs out of batteries.

Don't say sorry to me ...go to confession for the blasphemous comments you made, you Antichrist. She doesn't think RSexy is good looking? WHAT? I'm pretty sure most people think he is a God of some sort, and am also certain most females have diddled the skittle more than once to Robert Pattinson. She was not impressed at all. Not even enough to watch the movie when she got home from our Mom's night out.

And, a week later she still hasn't watched it...I have no words.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Everybody remembers their first time

Success....I turned another unsuspected woman into a rambling idiot over a fictional vampire. I have been receiving texts from T-Rex for the last 3 days.

" Fuck, I cant stop reading"

" I am going to to beat up my husband with my vagina tonight, cause of Edward."

The saddest one of all " I only have 50 pages left, I don't want it to end"

We have all been there, and luckily for her she still has 3 books to read. But remember those days of aimlessly walking through your day wondering, What in the shit is wrong with me? Why do I feel so empty inside...why did I leave the groceries in the car for 3 days? No one expects this to happen, no one expects to have a full on withdrawal over a fictionally Delicious vampire. So what in the crap are we suppose to do? We turn to the next best thing, RSexy....

Here is the kicker for T-Rex. She has no idea who or what Robert Pattinson looks like or is, she is about to be shot straight out of her panties and reek havoc on her vibrator once she catches sight of this dude.

See, T-rex isn't one who exactly has her finger on the pulse of pop culture, but she will have her finger on something after I hand her over my personal prized possession, my signed by Catherine Hardwicke copy of Twilight the movie. Imagine that? Can you actually imagine being introduced to Twilight a week ago , and then RSexy a week after that? Holy hell, the luck this woman is embarking on is unparallelled, its like winning the lottery, for your vagina

Um...panty dropper?

So tonight while we drink Coronas I will pass on yet another piece of the Twilight puzzle and watch her squirm while she holds her first picture of Robert Pattinson in her hand. It would be inappropriate for her to try anything rash in front of a bunch of grown woman, but with enough drinks she might just try to hump the DVD.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Twilight : not your everyday pleasuring device

I am going out tonight for a well deserved booze fest, my kids mentally tortured me today and they were bringin it Al Queda style.. I plan to slug down a bunch of drinks in hopes that this day does not imprint on memory in .. Anyway, only one of these women has read the Twilight Saga. So, I am going in tow with 3 of the books so to see if I pawn them on my friend Trex. I send her a text and it reads :

I text" I have a present for you"

She replies " dildo?"

I reply " BETTER"

She responds " oh Good there is nothing worse than a second hand dildo."

Um...I have nothing to say about that. Wait till she finds out these are secondhand books not a pleasuring device ,but she might find she wants to pleasure herself with the books, cause they are so damn good. I am going out on a limb here, lending out my prized possessions. And, If I find anything resembling vaginal secretions on my books, Someone is getting punched in the vagina.

Friday, June 12, 2009

sex for TV

TRUE BLOOD Pictures, Images and Photos
Yowza ladies hold on to your pants

JL informed me today that Stephen Moyer aka (Bill , sexy vamp) on True Blood was on the View earlier this week. I don't watch the View anymore for various reasons. Other than the sweetness that is Whoopi Goldberg, the show is a train wreck. Joy is twitchy, and twitchy people freak me out. Elizabeth should be neutered. Anymore of her little ankle biters running around will further infect the world with more assholes. Barbara looks pretty good for 150 years old but once again snooze city, and Sherri is about as fun as a handful of fire ants. Needless to say, I missed that interview
The first season was so good and even my vampire hating husband enjoyed it, I am assuming because there was alot freaky ass sex. I mean really whacky. I have 3 days in which to make tawdry sexual advances to the husband in order to acquire HBO. Call it what you will, Tv prostitution, Sunday night street walking, HBO hustling, I like to refer to it as cold HARD negotiations. Everyone wins in my True Blood watching world.

I think I have plenty of ammo to work with, and the fact that True Blood is filled with raunchy "fang banging" .....he is a goner. Never stood a chance, really. If I have to wait until November to see New Moon well than I need a little something to tide me over, and X rated Vamp sex will certainly help me maintain my Twack level so I can function as a somewhat normal happy mother and wife....So wish me luck.

Friday, June 5, 2009

A Twilight Widower speaks

Husbands everywhere have been trying to figure where they fit into the obsession their wives have fallen prey to. They use to have a wife. Now their relationship consists of Robert Pattinson little known facts, and finding their wives trying to hump the computer. Mostly, they mope around and look confused. I know my hubbo would say as I lay reading Twilight for the 4th time in bed "Oh, I didn't know you were bringing HIM to bed with you again" However, he is a resourceful man, he knows how to use the addiction to his advantage. Suggestions of watching Twilight and/or any random facts about the New Moon movie will most definitely get him some ass.
So,thanks to a very talented blogger we have a name for these poor bastards. Our husbands who are hanging by a thread belong to a group of men called Twilight Widowers.

My TwiBFF JH, who I have know since we were pimple poppin girlies in high school, has a serious problem. She calls me once a day, and I have to remind her she has kids, so that she wont lock herself in the closet with her tattered GQ magazine . I also explain that if CPS comes for her kids and they find her in said closet didlin' the bean, it wont hold up well in court.

Her husband, WH is having a very difficult time, lets give him a moment to vent. (bowing head)

Your word games do not amuse me…

Before Twilight things were better. Now, my wife JH plays for team-Twilight, and the result has been that I must indulge her obsession while simultaneously accepting that I’ve been relegated to JV. It’s largely my fault in a sense. I gave JH Twilight. I saw it in a book store, and recognized that hit would tickle two of her favorite obsessions: vamps and teens. Put that together in the wrong combination, and you’ve got a felony. Moderate it a tad, add in some estrogen, take out some sleep, and you’ve got my wife.
5 more of these and WH will look just like Edward
And so this is where I find myself. A Twilight widower. That’s what the Twilight fanatics call people in my position I hear. I find the proliferation of Twilight-related slang telling. A cute turn of phrase cannot legitimize ridiculous behavior. It didn’t work with “Axis of Evil” or “evildoers.” And it doesn’t work here. You people are obsessed, and it’s not healthy for any of us.
Query: Are any of these Twilight-obsessed-moms having more kids? It seems to me that an important (and more satisfying that Twilight) predicate to child rearing has been severely curtailed by this stupid book. Widower? I don’t think so. More like Twilight-monk. Not good.
Waa Waa Waaaa...Poor guy. Grab some sack, smear on some glitter and give her what the Edward can't....If that doesn't translate.. Suggest watching Twilight again that should get her naked in 5.2 seconds. Works over here, like magic.

Rated R or PG-13..... leave it to a vote

I am a naturally raunchy person, I can take it from def con 1 to def con 5 in a matter of seconds with the appropriate audience. My friends know this, my hubbo knows this, shit even my mother knows this. Here is my dilemma. Becoming a mom has changed a lot at how I look and react to the world , I can still be erratic and hairbrained but the caring side has truly become the more dominant. I am usually 100% myself, however I tend to edit according to the situation and the crowd I am in front of. If you don't think I'm funny or am a little too much to handle, chances are you have on MOM jeans and you're rockin' a scrunchy. But where and to what degree does the raunch fit in, in the Mom world?

When I am reading some of the other Twilight blogs, their humor truly rocks my socks and makes me laugh so hard I could spit soda across the room...its like my own personal brand of heroin ( ha) I want to chime in so bad with some of the sick nastiest shit you have ever read, so vulgar it might possibly leave you maimed physically. But, I censor.

So my question is, Should I turn it up a notch or turn it down?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Twilight Eye Roll...and it aint sushi

So, I was reading one of my fav blogs Ramblings of a Latchkey Wife, and she talks about whether you are IN or OUT of the closet as far as Twilight is concerned. I'M OUT, and its cool I couldnt give a flying crap what people think, and if they think I'm whacked for my love of all things Edward Cullen. Most people who know me, know the extent of the obsession the BFF earlier tonight told me to "hit the brakes" Funny, because she is quick to forget she is the one who got me hooked on this shit.

I was recently introduced to a reaction that I like to call the " Twilight Eye Roll"

We were having drinks with some friends, and they brought a couple with them I had never met. My friend B-Val whips out her Iphone ( who by the way told me if the "Iphone had a dick she'd f*uck it") her words not mine.

She exclaims "Look your blog!!"

I had just recently set my blog into the wild, and it being a newborn I was excited to see it.

So the woman says "Well, what's it about?"

And I respond proudly "My crazy Twilight addiction."

She says " ummm Twilight , nope don't know it"


This poor woman has obviously been living under a rock, So I try to enlighten her the best I can.

I explain the story line, our favorite sparkling vampire etc..

B-Val hands her the Iphone, with my literary genius blaring in her face. She looks at it snarls a little and hands it back. Didn't even read a sentence. HAG!

" I don't read that kind of thing"

and cue eye roll....

.So I unleash some Twack on her, and the rest of the party....Nope nothing...pretty much sounded like a summer night on your back lawn....crickets baby crickets.

One person excuses them self to go to the bathroom ( probably to puke) , and the topic dies a uncomfortable horrid death leaving B-Val and I feeling a little ashamed, I think the hubbo was a bit embarrassed too.

So, I started to ponder am I a total loser? Have I lost my grip on reality. Nope, some people just don't know a good vegetarian vampire when it sparkles in a meadow next to them.

So haters beware, if you roll your eyes at me, I'm gonna tell you to shit in your hat!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Sunscreen babies

We go to the pool almost everyday, my favorite smell in the world besides my Twilight DVD is sunscreen on my boys after a long day at the pool. I love it, I could bottle it up and make some cologne out of it. So Sawdawg and I are putting together a puzzle and he says " I know what your favorite show is"
I thought...sure as shit he is going to say something about Edward Cullen and the fact I watched the New Moon Trailer about 50 times today.
He says "sunscreen babies"
I say " there isnt a show called sunscreen babies"
He says " well, Mama if there was you'd love it cause you love sunscreen on your babies"
Genius child! I love how his mind works.

Mama loves yummy smelling babies with sunscreen + Mama loves TV= Sunscreen babies the show.

And the clothes almost come off....

Have you heard of this thing where people will eat dirt and metallic objects for the hell of it? Its called Pica, I know pregnant women get it sometimes and some others do it but who knows what their excuse is. Well I think I suffer from something similar, but there is no name yet. When ever I see anything remotely having to do with Twilight I want to shed my clothes...

Anyway, so here I am watching ( drooling on) my tv, waiting with baited breath. I decided it is better to keep the husband (D) out of the house on occasions such as these. So I served pizza and beer like a Hooters girl outside to his mancave , to keep him from an intervention that would most definatly ensue following the revealing of the trailer. The problem with D is, when he doesn't like something I am watching he tends to make noise.....usually puke related or he sits next to me and pretends to swallow pills or eat the barrel of a shot gun, to convey his dislike for my TV choices.

Here it comes and BANG D comes and sits down.... Shit Im screwed.It took everything in my power to not rip my bra off and throw at the Tv when Edward throws Bella into a table at her bday party .Keeping my pants on was entirely a harder feat when Rsexy and Kstew almost made out on stage....I had to restrain myself. Dboy is already seriously concerned that I own a matchbox car that my kids have to ask permission to use ( yes I got a new one), and that Sawdog knows who Edward Cullen is.
So that is that, I am suffering from a clothes ripping Twilight addiction and the first step is to admit I have a problem.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

My kids need a mother...

Cut this shit out! I mean I have children to care for and a husband to love. I cant sit around and drool at my computer all day and count abs! Stop the insanity. Im begging, and so is JH. Her husband thought he was making headway...nope, its over start at square one again WH, she has relapsed.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Down the drain...

You know, I am embarrased to admit I swindled my 2 year old into picking out a Volvo C30 matchbox car....for any of you out is a mini version of Edward Cullen's car ( in the movie not the book) ...shameful I know. Btown would keep putting the car down in the store, and I would pick it back up and say" Look at the new car you are getting, FUN!!" he would respond"bahhhh" and spit a little. You know the noise he is making, its the one you make right after you have eaten something that tastes like total shit
He was my cover story. I was buying the car for him, not me. ;-) I am fully aware there is a ridiculous factor that goes along with a 35 year old stay at home mom owning a matchbox car, much less owning one because it reminds her of a sparkling vampire.

My kids and I tend to shower together, first because I am a HAG and entirely too lazy to shower before 6pm. Secondly, its just easy. We have a shower that has a rather large drain, you know one that you could fit say...a shiny matchbox Volvo car in. Btown decides to throw it right down the drain, and I look at him with the 60 other cars he had brought in the shower, and think to myself this is KARMA.
What asshole manipulates their 2 year old to pick a matchbox car of their own personal liking? And I might add for the soul purpose just to have a mini version of a fictional character's fictional car? Apparently I am this asshole
And, someone ( you know how you are) thought it was fitting for me to watch my mini Edward Cullen Car drive its pretty little ass straight down the drain.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

It all started....

It wasn't too long ago that my BFF told me about the book that would change the way I look at life. Here I am truckin along, changing diapers, finger painting and singing Laurie Berkner...then BAM, J (the BFF) screws up everything for me. I mean everything. I became a Twackhead.

JL says " Hey have you read that book Twilight?"

So I say " Shit no"

JL says " Oh no Suz, its not like that trust me, get it...its about "VAMPIRES"

Hmmmm(drooling).... I did have a serious addiction to Corey Haim in 6th grade(Corey Haim circa 1985 not the trainwreck that we have seen as of late.) and a love for Lost Boys, could be good...I once tried to call Corey Haim in California from Massachusetts, funny thing is he wasn't listed under 411, even funnier I thought he would be.

Mistake #1
I started reading the book during nap time....Kids wake up... I am addicted

Im totally screwed... I felt like a drug addict who needed a fix...Id run set up some finger paints, come back get a couple of hits, clean up finger paints, scatter dry cereal on the floor so they could eat dinner( thanks BG) know how it goes once you're hooked. The vaccuum cleaner becomes dormant.... the husband looks at you strangely because you haven't showered in days, you become a chain smoker as you read the books outside on your porch just to stay away from the daggers flying from said husband's eyes. (You'd think I was cheating on him.) I totally missed the Olympics, I couldnt have given a shit if Michael Phelps walked on water instead of swam, I was unconditionally and irrevocably obsessed with my new vampire friends

Needless to say, I got sucked ( pun intended ) in, I have tried to bring people down with me too..I have to say I think I am the most dedicated to the obsession, second place clearly goes to JH, She did pack up her cherubs and drive 900 miles to Texas so we could watch the DVD together the night it was released....and that is a whole other tale to tell. I try to deal my lame obsession to as far and wide as I can.I call JH daily with updates from one of my favorite websites Twicrack Addict.. She tries desperately to update herself, but she didn't know what Swine flu was, never mind that R-sexy is half naked with his junk tucked between his legs on the Internet. JL is over Twilight she pretty much tells me to shit in a hat everytime I bring it up.

So here I am, addicted and these are my stories. They wont all be about Twilight and R-Sexy... But, hopefully I can make you laugh and drag you out of the monotony of your day....