Friday, June 5, 2009

A Twilight Widower speaks

Husbands everywhere have been trying to figure where they fit into the obsession their wives have fallen prey to. They use to have a wife. Now their relationship consists of Robert Pattinson little known facts, and finding their wives trying to hump the computer. Mostly, they mope around and look confused. I know my hubbo would say as I lay reading Twilight for the 4th time in bed "Oh, I didn't know you were bringing HIM to bed with you again" However, he is a resourceful man, he knows how to use the addiction to his advantage. Suggestions of watching Twilight and/or any random facts about the New Moon movie will most definitely get him some ass.
So,thanks to a very talented blogger we have a name for these poor bastards. Our husbands who are hanging by a thread belong to a group of men called Twilight Widowers.

My TwiBFF JH, who I have know since we were pimple poppin girlies in high school, has a serious problem. She calls me once a day, and I have to remind her she has kids, so that she wont lock herself in the closet with her tattered GQ magazine . I also explain that if CPS comes for her kids and they find her in said closet didlin' the bean, it wont hold up well in court.

Her husband, WH is having a very difficult time, lets give him a moment to vent. (bowing head)

Your word games do not amuse me…

Before Twilight things were better. Now, my wife JH plays for team-Twilight, and the result has been that I must indulge her obsession while simultaneously accepting that I’ve been relegated to JV. It’s largely my fault in a sense. I gave JH Twilight. I saw it in a book store, and recognized that hit would tickle two of her favorite obsessions: vamps and teens. Put that together in the wrong combination, and you’ve got a felony. Moderate it a tad, add in some estrogen, take out some sleep, and you’ve got my wife.
5 more of these and WH will look just like Edward
And so this is where I find myself. A Twilight widower. That’s what the Twilight fanatics call people in my position I hear. I find the proliferation of Twilight-related slang telling. A cute turn of phrase cannot legitimize ridiculous behavior. It didn’t work with “Axis of Evil” or “evildoers.” And it doesn’t work here. You people are obsessed, and it’s not healthy for any of us.
Query: Are any of these Twilight-obsessed-moms having more kids? It seems to me that an important (and more satisfying that Twilight) predicate to child rearing has been severely curtailed by this stupid book. Widower? I don’t think so. More like Twilight-monk. Not good.
Waa Waa Waaaa...Poor guy. Grab some sack, smear on some glitter and give her what the Edward can't....If that doesn't translate.. Suggest watching Twilight again that should get her naked in 5.2 seconds. Works over here, like magic.


Latchkey Wife said...

Ahhh, too funny! My husband doesn't even know he's a Twilight Widower yet! I'll be he's pissed when he does find out. Luckily he works second shift so I'm free to diddle to the GQ in the fucking kitchen if i want!!

(PS - my verification word is "badshee" - appropriate, don't you think?!)

Fire Crotch said...

Love your site...found it through Latchkey Wife. I don't have lots of time now, but I need to take a look through some of your older posts. I'll leave a better comment later!